Chicken Tenders for the Crypto NEET

by by Hardwood_

October 11th 2020

🌩

​

Tink, clonk - spent cans of Red Bull and Gatorade go rolling. Sports drinks for a proud eSportsman. A luminous cone spills through the door, timidly ventures into a dark monitor-lit room. Heaps of stained clothes lay about, as crinkled as the lines on her face. The faint reek of garlic and sweat adds another.

​

At least there's a path back to the door.

​

Mom ventures in, taking care not to disturb the harem of exquisitely crafted anime wives.

​

She sets the plate of fried chicken down on the bedside table. "I'll leave your breakfast here, sweetie." The child - man? - in the chair swivels about, annoyed.

​

He scrutinizes the food, then screeches:
"What the fuck mom?! Where the tendie sauce?!"

 

Now, what is a tendie? You might ask. A tendie is a chicken tender, oft referred to as such by frequenters of the 4chan. To some they are known as chicken fingers, a popular finger food in their own right. Easy to eat, and tasty, tendies are deep-fried breaded strips of chicken, often served with sauce as a treat for children.

The simplicity of this foodstuff belies the complexity of the tendiecrafting process. To produce each tendie, great sacrifices must be made. To make tendies, first hatch your chicken, then feed it for seven weeks. Collect some unfertilized eggs from its mother while you're at it. Then catch your chicken, slaughter it, and process the meat. Cut up the meat, or just buy your chicken in strips and skip the previous steps.


Take a single strip of chicken. Submerge it in beaten eggs, then dredge it in flour, making sure to fully coat the meat's every crack and flap. Get it all up in there; raw chicken has many crevices, you'll find.

 

Wash your hands. This is very important as the next step requires that you have flour-free hands. Wash them thoroughly and dry them off.

 

Egg the floured chicken, trying to touch it as little as possible in the process. You can use tongs for this step, but they'll have to be cleaned and dried each time.

 

Dip the chicken into the breading, rolling it about until well-coated. Then set it aside on a plate.

Wash your hands again, and repeat the process for each tendie you're making. After all, when one speaks of tendies, he refers to an abundance of them. Only a poor plebeian would be so foolish as to settle for only a single tendie.

After the tendies have been prepared, chill them for a few hours in the fridge or one hour in the freezer. Chilling them helps the breading to not fall off during the frying process.

​

You may want to use this time to prepare some sides, such as fries or hash browns.

​

After the tendies have been sufficiently chilled, deep-fry them until golden-brown, turning as needed.

Upon extraction, pat them down with paper towels and rest them on some more fresh paper towels until the excess frying oil has been drained to your satisfaction.

​

Promptly dispose of all the excess wasted ingredients.

Congratulations! Your tendies are ready to eat. But not so fast - what are tendies without sauce? What kind of uncivilized African savage would eat such a thing? The very existence of tendies implies sauce. They are inseparable, as cart and horse, as peanut butter and jam, as morning sun and spring wind!

​

Personally, as a gay man, I enjoy a special mix of peanut sauce, raspberry jam, and dried chili peppers. Blend the ingredients until smooth, or in the absence of a blender, crush and mix them the old-fashioned way, with mortar and pestle. It's quite tasty. Red-blooded heterosexual American males may prefer ketchup, of course.

And now you're ready to eat. Savor each piece, or wolf them down as if the singular noun never existed - it's all up to you. The tendies are all yours now. They can even be used as legal tender. Not even the Feds could take them away from you.



πŸ’‹Kiss and Make UpπŸ’‹

When you're done, don't forget to clean the kitchen and do the dishes. Raw chicken is super gross and carries tons of germs that could make you very sick, so you'll have to be thorough. Make sure to scrub and disinfect every surface and cooking utensil that you've handled. You wouldn't want to catch salmonella. Everyone loves a good feces-flinging joke, but the joke will be on you if it's not solid enough to throw...

​

Enjoy your tendies! If someone else has crafted this decadent first-world first-class meal for you, give your compliments to the chef. You may even kiss her.as;fgh;SKJdhf;ksdjfh;aKSHD'ailsdhj

​

Happy Mother's Day. $TEND