Chicken Tenders for the Crypto NEET
by by Hardwood_
October 11th 2020
Tink, clonk - spent cans of Red Bull and Gatorade go rolling. Sports drinks for a proud eSportsman. A luminous cone spills through the door, timidly ventures into a dark monitor-lit room. Heaps of stained clothes lay about, as crinkled as the lines on her face. The faint reek of garlic and sweat adds another.
At least there's a path back to the door.
Mom ventures in, taking care not to disturb the harem of exquisitely crafted anime wives.
She sets the plate of fried chicken down on the bedside table. "I'll leave your breakfast here, sweetie." The child - man? - in the chair swivels about, annoyed.
He scrutinizes the food, then screeches:
"What the fuck mom?! Where the tendie sauce?!"
Now, what is a tendie? You might ask. A tendie is a chicken tender, oft referred to as such by frequenters of the 4chan. To some they are known as chicken fingers, a popular finger food in their own right. Easy to eat, and tasty, tendies are deep-fried breaded strips of chicken, often served with sauce as a treat for children.
The simplicity of this foodstuff belies the complexity of the tendiecrafting process. To produce each tendie, great sacrifices must be made. To make tendies, first hatch your chicken, then feed it for seven weeks. Collect some unfertilized eggs from its mother while you're at it. Then catch your chicken, slaughter it, and process the meat. Cut up the meat, or just buy your chicken in strips and skip the previous steps.
Take a single strip of chicken. Submerge it in beaten eggs, then dredge it in flour, making sure to fully coat the meat's every crack and flap. Get it all up in there; raw chicken has many crevices, you'll find.
Wash your hands. This is very important as the next step requires that you have flour-free hands. Wash them thoroughly and dry them off.
Egg the floured chicken, trying to touch it as little as possible in the process. You can use tongs for this step, but they'll have to be cleaned and dried each time.
Dip the chicken into the breading, rolling it about until well-coated. Then set it aside on a plate.
Wash your hands again, and repeat the process for each tendie you're making. After all, when one speaks of tendies, he refers to an abundance of them. Only a poor plebeian would be so foolish as to settle for only a single tendie.
After the tendies have been prepared, chill them for a few hours in the fridge or one hour in the freezer. Chilling them helps the breading to not fall off during the frying process.
You may want to use this time to prepare some sides, such as fries or hash browns.
After the tendies have been sufficiently chilled, deep-fry them until golden-brown, turning as needed.
Upon extraction, pat them down with paper towels and rest them on some more fresh paper towels until the excess frying oil has been drained to your satisfaction.
Promptly dispose of all the excess wasted ingredients.